Parents. Don’t you just love them? Wonderful people who brought us into this world. The second reason why we exist in mother earth. Yes, they can be very sweet and lovey to us. But that doesn’t dispute the fact that they can be pretty annoying as well.
I’ll try to keep this one short. What do I mean by parental blackmail? Simple. Blackmailing and guilt tripping a human being, the only difference here is, it’s done by our very own parents. That brings me to toxic parenting.
No parent wants the worst for their child, not unless they’re witches and wizards. I’ll like to believe majority want the best for their children. And I can’t help but appreciate it. Really, I can only imagine the pressure they put on themselves to ensure we all turn out good. It isn’t something everyone can do.
The problem however, is when they become obsessed with their good intentions, packaged in a planned life for you. That’s when their plans for your future matter more than you or what you want. Yes they’ll say it’s for your own good. But underneath all that?
They’re trying to make a name for themselves through you, trying to live their unaccomplished goals through you. Yes they will argue saying, it’s your name on the certificates anyways. But let’s not forget who will be bearing Mama Dokita or Papa Lawyer, because of you. This is called toxic parenting, which will eventually lead to parental blackmail.
I’ll give you an instance. Emeka is a very skilled public speaker, who wants to go into media. But papa Emeka says it won’t yield anything. He tries to discourage him all to no avail. So Mama Emeka who is in support of papa Emeka’s view, decides to blackmail poor emeka. She tells him about the pains she went through birthing him.
How she suffered and had to quit schooling for some time, makes him think he’s the reason she couldn’t accomplish her goals. She might even go as far as snubbing his greetings, crying and making noise. The usual “this child wants to kill me” Most of us already know these lines.
Emeka is moved, he feels guilty. Their plan is working. Reluctantly and for the sake of family, he decides to trash his plans, and sticks to theirs. Years later, Emeka is probably earning a lot. More than people in the media. But something very important is missing. True satisfaction and happiness. Work is more like a gruesome chore, he hates days that aren’t weekends, dreads work,etc.
Parental blackmail is a real thing. So is toxic parenting. I understand you want to protect your children from the evils of this world. But you have to give them the space to grow, discover themselves and to live. Stop breathing down the necks of your children. Give them their privacy for christ sake.
If they’re a certain age, you have zero business snooping around their phones. And if you’re caught, best believe you owe them an apology. But No. Some parents being who they are will tell you about how it’s their right to check what you’re up to. At least give them the benefit of the doubt. Show them you trust them.
I know it sucks to not achieve your dreams. You must also understand that just as you had dreams? Your kids have a mind of their own, their own dreams, goals and ambitions. Don’t encroach on that. Trust them enough to make that decision for themselves, please.
Stop telling your children about how you carried them for nine months, when you’re absolutely wrong. Stop using that to score points or make them feel bad. You knew very well that pregnancies lasted for 9 months, before you decided to make a baby. If you didn’t want to get pregnant? There are contraceptives!
Ohhh you suffered and slaved for them. Excuse you, was that the job of another woman? Or am I missing something here? Who else was meant to nurse them if not you? Why using your responsibility as a weapon? Toxic parenting. Using bible passages about honouring mother and father, as an excuse to manipulate your kids into doing your selfish wills.
One day they’ll be parents too, and sometimes unconsciously, they will apply the same method of parenting. Copying both the good and bad patterns. Before you know it, it becomes a cycle that’s hard to stop. At the end of the day, we might boast about how our toxic parenting made them respectable men and women in the society.
What we won’t see behind all that, is the messed up mental health. That will unfortunately make them feel miserable. To you they turned out right, question is, did they really turn out right in all aspects? Or just academically.
As much as I know you want to see them grow into useful human beings in the society, you also have to give them a chance to grow into who they want to be. Their version of themselves not yours. It will be hard, maybe because you want everything to be perfect. But you just have to give them that space to make mistakes and grow from them.
Stop blackmailing your children. Stop with the toxic parenting.
Have a lovely day!
Inside their Minds 